Had a bad day--

For some reason the past couple of days I have been a little more on edge and irritable which is unlike me as I am usually pretty even keeled and do very well with little sleep...but today I had a bad day and I let it get to me much more than it should have. Here it is at 11:30 p.m. and things finally hit me and I feel pretty guilty about the way I treated Natalie

Ok so to preface--in preparation for her big girl bed a couple nights ago I decided I should try out Natalie sleeping on the floor on her mattress before I moved the mattress up onto a bed. She really has been pretty great about it-the first night she didn't sleep well and thus either did I and I put her in her crib at 2:30 because I had to work in the am and last night it took her about an hour to go down (I have to sit in the complete dark outside her room and tell her to lay down until she settles down) and she didn't wake up once after that-so really I am pleased. However, I was hoping it would have been a bit more of a team effort (if you get my drift).

This morning was just a normal morning when I am home with Natalie except I took her to her pediatricians' office (who I really like) for a flu shot-we got there at 10:20 and didn't leave until 11:55. When I entered the dr. office I was the only one in there and so I thought oh great this will be really quick-I would say about 15-20 minutes after I had gotten there things got pretty busy and we were all waiting a while. Everyone kept getting called back except for us who were the first ones waiting--now flu shots are walkins-they don't do appointments for that and I knew that appointments were priority but after an hour I went up and told the receptionist that we had been waiting an hour (which was pretty assertive for me!). I said that we were the first ones in here and the last ones in here (there was another family that got there 5-10 minutes prior). She said ok and went on with her business-well what do you know a couple minutes later the other family got called back-and the mother said "she has been waiting here over an hour-she needs to go before we do"-the nurse replied well I have his stuff all ready but I will look into it. She did and apologized saying they had put Natalie's file in the wrong place but at that moment for some reason I had already lost it-crying in the Dr's office--a little embarassing!

So anyways Natalie did great there and got her flu mist and we went on our way to the grocery store-there she was a different story. She prefers walking in the grocery and I do let her some but she wants to push the cart by herself and the carts at Meijer are bigger than Kroger and she just couldn't do it...small meltdown-no problem... At checkout though she likes to unload the cart all by herself-well the cart was too full for her to get into to and she couldn't reach any of the items in it so I tried handing her the items but she lost it and was so mad that I touched the groceries--so I ignored her behavior and proceeded to empty out the cart and then she was screaming really loud, crying and even kicking and hitting me. I don't tolerate that very well so I tried time out and then gave her a spanking-which I do spank Natalie for things like that. So we got over that and when I got to the car I realized it was 2 and she hadn't had lunch and was tired and I was too--I understood that she is two, tired and hungry (though she did have plenty of snacks). So we came home ate and I went to lay her down in her crib-I was ready for a break..but she said no she wanted to lay on her big girl bed so I gave her some guidelines to follow and told her if she didn't follow them then I would put her in her crib-well low and behold she kept getting up so I put her in her crib-but apparently she figured out that she can climb out of it now-and so no naptime for Natalie. I was in desperate need for a break and sometime to lay down-and didn't get that.

Ok so I lost it on Natalie for repeatedly being mean to Tyson-for some reason she likes to bully Tyson around and thankfully he is good with it-but I told her to be nice, tell Tyson he's sorry and if she did it again she would go to time-out. Well it happened again after time-out, so she got a spanking-but I didn't stop at one-I did it multiple times(like 3 or 4). I think all of my day's frustration was taken out on that moment-and granted I think I crossed the line and shouldn't have done that what bothers me the most is how I let all my frustration come out on her in that one little moment and I didn't stop after one. It has really bothered me all day-it scares me to think that I took my anger out on her-the person that I love more than anyone else on this world (don't think I am leaving out Steven but a love you have for a child is just so different-its hard to compare the two) --someone who loves and relies on me for so much and the example I set for her. I hope that I use this as an example of what not to do and when I have days or moments like this to remove myself from the situation for a little bit to get some rest and gain my composure-and seek God more so on these days to give me strength, wisdom, patience, and love/forgiveness. I hope I can use this as a reminder to myself as well! Sorry for the long drawn out blog but it's my free therapy!