Had a bad day--

For some reason the past couple of days I have been a little more on edge and irritable which is unlike me as I am usually pretty even keeled and do very well with little sleep...but today I had a bad day and I let it get to me much more than it should have. Here it is at 11:30 p.m. and things finally hit me and I feel pretty guilty about the way I treated Natalie

Ok so to preface--in preparation for her big girl bed a couple nights ago I decided I should try out Natalie sleeping on the floor on her mattress before I moved the mattress up onto a bed. She really has been pretty great about it-the first night she didn't sleep well and thus either did I and I put her in her crib at 2:30 because I had to work in the am and last night it took her about an hour to go down (I have to sit in the complete dark outside her room and tell her to lay down until she settles down) and she didn't wake up once after that-so really I am pleased. However, I was hoping it would have been a bit more of a team effort (if you get my drift).

This morning was just a normal morning when I am home with Natalie except I took her to her pediatricians' office (who I really like) for a flu shot-we got there at 10:20 and didn't leave until 11:55. When I entered the dr. office I was the only one in there and so I thought oh great this will be really quick-I would say about 15-20 minutes after I had gotten there things got pretty busy and we were all waiting a while. Everyone kept getting called back except for us who were the first ones waiting--now flu shots are walkins-they don't do appointments for that and I knew that appointments were priority but after an hour I went up and told the receptionist that we had been waiting an hour (which was pretty assertive for me!). I said that we were the first ones in here and the last ones in here (there was another family that got there 5-10 minutes prior). She said ok and went on with her business-well what do you know a couple minutes later the other family got called back-and the mother said "she has been waiting here over an hour-she needs to go before we do"-the nurse replied well I have his stuff all ready but I will look into it. She did and apologized saying they had put Natalie's file in the wrong place but at that moment for some reason I had already lost it-crying in the Dr's office--a little embarassing!

So anyways Natalie did great there and got her flu mist and we went on our way to the grocery store-there she was a different story. She prefers walking in the grocery and I do let her some but she wants to push the cart by herself and the carts at Meijer are bigger than Kroger and she just couldn't do it...small meltdown-no problem... At checkout though she likes to unload the cart all by herself-well the cart was too full for her to get into to and she couldn't reach any of the items in it so I tried handing her the items but she lost it and was so mad that I touched the groceries--so I ignored her behavior and proceeded to empty out the cart and then she was screaming really loud, crying and even kicking and hitting me. I don't tolerate that very well so I tried time out and then gave her a spanking-which I do spank Natalie for things like that. So we got over that and when I got to the car I realized it was 2 and she hadn't had lunch and was tired and I was too--I understood that she is two, tired and hungry (though she did have plenty of snacks). So we came home ate and I went to lay her down in her crib-I was ready for a break..but she said no she wanted to lay on her big girl bed so I gave her some guidelines to follow and told her if she didn't follow them then I would put her in her crib-well low and behold she kept getting up so I put her in her crib-but apparently she figured out that she can climb out of it now-and so no naptime for Natalie. I was in desperate need for a break and sometime to lay down-and didn't get that.

Ok so I lost it on Natalie for repeatedly being mean to Tyson-for some reason she likes to bully Tyson around and thankfully he is good with it-but I told her to be nice, tell Tyson he's sorry and if she did it again she would go to time-out. Well it happened again after time-out, so she got a spanking-but I didn't stop at one-I did it multiple times(like 3 or 4). I think all of my day's frustration was taken out on that moment-and granted I think I crossed the line and shouldn't have done that what bothers me the most is how I let all my frustration come out on her in that one little moment and I didn't stop after one. It has really bothered me all day-it scares me to think that I took my anger out on her-the person that I love more than anyone else on this world (don't think I am leaving out Steven but a love you have for a child is just so different-its hard to compare the two) --someone who loves and relies on me for so much and the example I set for her. I hope that I use this as an example of what not to do and when I have days or moments like this to remove myself from the situation for a little bit to get some rest and gain my composure-and seek God more so on these days to give me strength, wisdom, patience, and love/forgiveness. I hope I can use this as a reminder to myself as well! Sorry for the long drawn out blog but it's my free therapy!

Preparing for two

Not too much new here-just thought I would give little updates as to what's been going on-I have been busy trying to clean out the house-trying to declutter and free up some closet space. This meant that I sadly had to go through Natalie's clothes-because I can't possibly save all of her clothes plus a whole new wardrobe for baby boy, so I packed away about three boxes of clothes of hers in which I will keep and the rest I will probably sell at either a yard sale or those consignment sales. It feels good to make the house a little lighter but I tend to be a packrat and have trouble of letting things go. I have gone through the upstairs of the house and haven't tackled the main floor or the basement.

I also just ordered Natalie's new furniture and bedding! I had such a hard time finding bedding that I liked for a little girl that I wouldn't spend a fortune on because who knows how long this bedding will last with accidents and such! I will post pictures of it in the next few weeks when we get it all here and together. The only thing I was disappointed with is that I really wanted Natalie to have a trundle under her bed for when she gets older and has sleepovers or just as an extra bed but they were sold out and couldn't be ordered. I ordered Natalie a full bed because I know she will always have her own room with this baby being a boy but she is in the smaller room right now and hope it won't be too cramped.

As for my pregnancy, I have been feeling pretty great these last couple weeks-I still get sick on occasion but seem to have found a correlation between when I sleep poorly and getting sick..who knows maybe it was just a coincidence. My sister, Kristin, who I am visiting in a couple weeks is expecting her third-and our babies will be about two and a half months apart! Steven and I have yet to come up with a name but it seems like our top contender is Brock. We made our name lists the other day and we didn't have one name that matched--of course! Brock is one of my favorites I just think it sounds very masculine and different but not unheard of. I like to pick names that I don't know anyone with that name so I don't have any preconceived ideas-and this one fits. Out of all of my names Brock is Steven's favorite but there are definitely names he prefers (Justin his favorite..excuse me while I yawn!) So we will see, I know we have plenty of time but I love monogrammed things so we will know before the baby gets here I hope! My mom is going to help paint stripes on one wall in the baby's room (it's already painted blue) and paint polka dots on one wall in Natalie's room.

I also have been busy making Natalie's Halloween costume-I am quite proud that I am making an effort to be crafty. She is going to be a peacock-I wanted to do something different from the ordinary Halloween costumes that you buy-I made her a tutu with peacock colors and found a fabric to make a tube top with-my Mom is doing that part too(dont' worry Natalie will have a shirt underneath) and Natalie and my mom collected peacock feathers I am going to use. I am excited to see how it all turns out--it could be my last crafty adventure if it turns out poorly!

It's a.......

Boy!!

Well we got a good picture of the baby today at my ultrasound--and sure enough it's a boy! I can't believe it-I am going to have a son! It will be a whole new world for me and I have to admit I am a little nervous about it. I know boys are great and sweet and generally Momma's boys and I am looking forward to raising a son but I was a little disappointed as well-I hate admitting that but I guess my blog that hardly anyone reads is the place to be honest. I have a great relationship with my sisters and want Natalie to have that sisterly bond--don't get me wrong I wanted a little boy too-but I was hoping that it would be a girl and then my third to be a boy. So that is the big news and I promise I am really excited and Steven is thrilled! He is so excited and shocked-he thought the baby was a girl-it will be great for him to have someone that he can teach and coach sports to (not that he can't with Natalie either but boys are typically more involved in sports), watch UK sports with (can you tell that I am not that into sports!--I am sure I will be if my children play them) and have that father/son bond with. I look forward to watching those moments with the two of them and building memories with my family.

A week off of work!

Well this week I was supposed to work three days but they called me since I am PRN-meaning as needed-I am the first to go when our productivity is poor and census is low--I was pretty grateful for that this week. We had our annual UK/UL gathering at our house-we've done this since we've been married-but unfortunately it was pretty miserable. Our air has been working pretty poorly all summer but this past weekend it went kaput and was 86 degrees in our house-it was sweltering! Our friends were troopers and on Tuesday we had our air fixed-however, they said we will probably need to replace it come spring time. On Monday, we went car shopping-and yesterday we traded in my car (so long Civic-I won't miss you) and got a 2005 Nissan Quest SL-it has a lot of great features (power door and trunk-meaning closes with a button, DVD player, it makes a beeping sound if you reverse and are within 6 feet of something, garage door opener button in car so you don't have to carry around the actual opener, etc) and I am pretty excited about it. I swore up and down that I would never drive a mini-van-but Steven convinced me otherwise. I know it will come in handy especially as we travel, have more children, and our children can have friends come home with them.



Also this week I colored my hair (at home-the color was supposed to be a golden light brown--I wouldn't call it that but I like the color enough for fall) and had my hair cut--the cut was supposed to look like this but I go to the hair design school-mainly because I have trouble scheduling appointments ahead of time-and it looks like this....not exactly what I had in mind-but I still like it..it is definitely more of a mom haircut to go with the mini-van! I have posted a pic of the haircut/color and my growing belly at 17 weeks.

My 25th Birthday and more..

Well it's been a while since I posted-time seems to escape me-I guess being busy working two to three days, watching a friend of mine's child usually once a week (who is at the very difficult age at our house with many temptations (mainly the stairs that I can't keep her off of and the fireplace), trying to manage house (which I am quite poor at) and trying to do something fun with Natalie at least once a week. We recently started Kindermusik class-tomorrow will be her third class-she went once with me to the night class where there were only two others and then once with my mom in the morning where there were 12 others...I think I will continue taking her to the night classes because bigger crowds overwhelm her. Natalie takes a long time to warm up to new situations and is extremely shy until she gets to know you-however then she is quite the ham and likes attention. She actually has very much my personality-of course if that's the case I dread the pre-teen years! Anyways, the class is great-though it's not cheap, it is something that she enjoys and talks about often and I hope that it will increase her socialization skills and help her developmentally. I look forward to next year where hopefully I can enroll her in soccer, gymnastics, or dance.

This past week I have reintroduced potty training to her and she has been doing really well-she isn't really pooping on the potty like she was the first time, but she is more successful with peeing--the past day and a half she hasn't been quite as excited about it, not wanting to go to the potty but once she gets there it's almost always a success. She still has accidents-I think it would be easier if I were home all the time and could just put her in underwear-but she has still been wearing diapers or Pull-ups. For her reward she gets one M&M (which you can guarantee she will pick a green one) and a sticker that she puts on a piece of paper. She is very proud!

A week and a half ago I celebrated my 25th birthday-it was a nice day. On Friday, my friends Allison and Libby took me out to my favorite restaurant Rocky's and then out to my favorite little ice-cream spot The Widow's Walk (it's in Indiana on the Ohio River at this Victorian house)-it was nice to get away for a little bit and have some girl time. I am grateful for my many wonderful friends! On Saturday, Steven, Natalie, and I met my parents at The Cheesecake Factory for dinner because I had been really wanting their corn cakes (unfortunately, that's just a side dish and I didn't touch my main entree)..but the corn cakes were delicious and then we went to their house for Dairy Queen ice cream cake and presents...I got shopping money from Steven, his Dad and Sherry, and his grandfather-I am thinking of using it on some new shoes. From my parent's I got several new maternity shirts, a pair of capris, a monogrammed makeup bag (she must know how I love monogramming!), some candles, and some personalized thankyou notes and this great pregnancy pillow that I love-I like to hug something while I sleep and have something between my legs and this pillow lets me do both-the only downside is it's a huge C-not leaving much room for Steven! I haven't had many struggles with insomnia though (which I often suffer from). Thanks to everyone for making my birthday special!

I went to the doctor today for a quick check up-I am 16 weeks and in a month we get to find out the sex-yay! I have lost another pound-probably only a total of 3 or 4 lb loss-and the heartbeat sounded great! This pregnancy so far has seemed to go by faster-probably because I have other things to devote my attention to! My nausea has been better the past few days but I have been getting headaches almost every day-Tylenol has helped out a lot!

Last week, there was a ceremony for Vicki at Easter Seals-where Steven's mom used to work-and it was beautiful and very touching. They named their Resource Room after her and hung a picture up-several people got up both family, friends, and coworkers and spoke of the impact she had on their life-what a legacy she left. It has been over 2 years since she's passed- I hate that I didn't get to know the Vicki everyone spoke of-she was truly a remarkable woman. I had very few conversations with her-I remember the first time meeting her and we spoke about our connection in the therapy world-though I was just beginning as a student at Belmont-I also remember her making Steven and I milkshakes and a few other treats. It had always been very hard for Steven to see his Mom fade and I know the glimpses he saw of her always meant a lot. That first year we started dating she declined a lot but she was always very sweet and affectionate to me-we went to Orlando with Steven's family around Christmas time-and I remember her holding my hand watching CMT together-who would have known that that would have been one of my own most treasured memories of her. Even as her health declined, most of the time when she saw me she would want to hold my hand and put her hand on me-that meant a lot to me. From the ways others spoke of her I aspire to be half the mother and wife she was.

Lake Cumberland with the Lifegroup

This past weekend the lifegroup that Steven and I belong to went on a little getaway while all of our children stayed behind-we had a great time and many memories were made. We left Thursday morning and went grocery shopping and got settled in-we stayed in Jamestown. The place we were staying was great-it had five bedrooms with all queen beds (except one room that had twins) and each with their own private full bathroom, two kitchens, two living rooms-one was a game room with a pool table, darts, and ping-pong, and a beautiful deck with hot tub. On Thursday after we got settled in we went to a swimming hole that was located about two minutes away and the girls laid out on the rafts while the guys were jumping off rocks and came back to prepare dinner-we grilled out. After dinner we relaxed, hung out, and got in the hot tub-the first night I was able to get in bc. the temp wasn't hot yet-only 99 degrees.

Friday morning we headed out pretty early with our packed lunches and went to the Lake Cumberland Resort Park-first everyone went on a horseback ride (except myself who stayed behind not wanting to take the chance of something bad happening-fortunately for myself it wasn't too long of a wait). Afterwards we stopped at a scenic overlook ate lunch and then headed on a 3 mile hike with some strenuous hills-Tiffany and Ben continued on the trail a little further. After I got to the top of one of our big uphill hikes-I stopped for a breather and felt the baby move! I was pretty excited about that! When we got back in the afternoon we headed out to the lake for another swim and the guys got a little braver jumping off some cliffs. We stayed in that night too-just hanging out and playing Rockband-Matt and Kirsten joined us this evening.

Saturday morning we headed out early because we had a 10 person speedboat rented for the whole day and wanted to maximize our time/money. I had a bit of a rough start-the night before I had gotten zero sleep because of my struggles with insomnia and was very emotional and had a bit of a breakdown because I was feeling left out-not by anyone but by the fact that I couldn't do anything-I wasn't able to get in the hot tub, have any drinks, horseback ride, and now I couldn't tube, kneeboard, or ski (which everyone had a great time doing-I enjoyed watching people fall!). I knew this ahead of time and know it is a small sacrifice to pay to carry a child but it had just hit me. I ended up having a great time on the boat-we went for some nice rides and got out to swim and I liked just being on the water/boat. It is one of our goals in life to have a boat and lakehouse so that as our children grow we can build many memories with them on the lake and getaway often. Saturday evening we were wiped out from being on the lake for 8 hours-we went to a restaurant that was recommended to us-but I don't believe we will ever go back there-the food took over an hour to get to us, some food was undercooked, etc but we still had a nice time. By the time the food got to us-I was pretty nauseated and didn't want to touch my entree-I ate some bites of my side items but Steven was very thoughtful and went and got me an apple (which was the only thing that sounded good) at the grocery store. After dinner we watched the olympics for a bit and went to bed early.

On Sunday Steven and Ben made breakfast-pancakes, bacon, and eggs and we had a nice big breakfast together (besides the heated conversation on tipping-haha) and packed our bags and left. It was such a great time to spend together-I am very grateful for my lifegroup and the friendships that have evolved from it. I look forward to many other trips like this hopefully! Also, thank you to Mom and Dad who watched Natalie Thursday to Sunday for me-you all are the best!

Happy Anniversary!

It is hard to believe that five years ago today Steven and I were getting ready to walk down the aisle and take the big "plunge"-I am so happy that we did and have never looked back. I am truly blessed by my marriage to Steven and I often don't give him the credit that he deserves. As many of you know I have a really bad habit of pointing out his flaws or stories that I find amusing that might embarass him--it is a struggle of mine that I need to work on and I am so thankful for his patience and him putting up with me. He is such a wonderful father to Natalie and they have a great relationship-I never get sick of watching them play together or have quiet moments where it's just the two of them. Besides being a great father he is a wonderful husband who is patient, kind, loving, affectionate, extremely hardworking, and lately has been extremely helpful-unloading the dishwasher, picking up, etc without me even having to ask! It has been great. I am proud that he is my husband and grateful that I get to spend the rest of my life with him by my side raising our family and hopefully growing old together. I am so in love with my husband and am going to make an effort this year to show him more so this year!